It’s Snow’n Outside, Babe

In the middle of the afternoon, the first snow started to fall.  Starting out damp but transforming into large, white, fluffy flakes which the ground drank as quickly as they fell.  I have been ready for this day for weeks.  Dressed in a knit sweater, scarf, and Christmas tree assembled behind me, I gazed out my window at the true first signs of winter.

I adore the holiday season as much as anyone else.  The blanket of snow that softly cover the ground.  Bare tree limbs dusted with white, silence that moves throughout as life rests.  The smell of warm ovens, thick sweaters, burning fires, and endless songs ringing of Emmanuel’s birth.  Christmas is the season that builds memories each year.  Requiring no vacations to spur the day’s fondness,  only true companionship to brand it’s mark forever.

I cannot say the past several Christmas season where one of joy and happiness.  Somehow I shared my Christmas with strangers who never wanted to share it with me. This season will be different.  I am going to reclaim the season’s warmth and mystery with old holiday habits from my childhood.  Destined to create memories for this season that I will crown with a smile.  

I have found the key to deep and lasting happiness.  It’s not whether you’re a Northerner living among the Georgia Baptists, or an American standing at the top of  Japanese mountain.  The beautiful house in the suburbs, or a spacious loft in the city will not bring you happiness alone.  It’s feeling of being “home” that brings happiness.  Home, is where you build and foster relationships of people who love you, care for you, believe in you, and comfort you.  

I know I will find my “home” and be content with life, when I plant myself where I can grow surrounded by others.  Other’s who smile with me, cry with me, laugh with me, and share life with me.  It won’t matter if my home is a row of Home Depot “man” sheds out in the middle nowhere, as long as I can share the first snow fall with them.

Apple’s iPhone is Like..Marriage.

It’s pure lust at first site. The Apple iPhone 3G.

It sits high on a white pedestal, thousands of people desiring to touch it’s sleek body, all wanting to claim one for their own. They wait patiently for it’s evolution to full maturity released like a debunte’ arriving to take it’s place next to ….you.

You are the proud owner of an iPhone 3G. It’s a perfect fit. Nice smooth, round body slides perfectly into your palm. It’s face is clear of imperfections as you stare into it’s bright glow. Your tongue gravitates towards it, and finally lick it. The taste lingers in your mouth, and you go back for more. Pressing it’s buttons, adding applications, and taking pictures of the greatest moments together. With your iPhone, your social network expands. Your Tweets are limitless, Facebook poking on the go, and dancing together with Bob Dylan from iTunes. It’s the perfect marriage.

Wait. Marriage also comes with commitment, and this one is 2yrs. The honeymoon phase slowly dies down. The iPhone’s battery performance now denies you, only when you desire it the most. It’s sleek design is now smothered with finger prints and residue you can’t explain. You question where has my iPhone been?!!

Finally the day comes, you receive the first AT&T bill.

“Holy Fuck! WHY IS THIS COSTING ME SO MUCH $$$$$$?!!”

Congratulations on your new iPhone…it’s hot and sexy but also comes with a lifetime commitment that will run you dry!

A Rockin Tweet

The best thing about social networking like Twitter, is complete strangers (I actually thought this was a chic when I started to follow HIM..oops!) share some of the BEST stuff.  This is the most romantic song…

Waste by Phish

Thanks for the Tweet man!

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I have been reading alot into psychology and theories of the nervous system and it’s reactions to stress.   (don’t ask why..)   I find any type of applicable psychology quite intriguing and remarkable.  If you know what you are looking for, you can use it in everyday life.

My most recent chapter, discussed how a “defensive” type person has automatic triggers, which without warning, go up when the brain (conditioned long ago) foresees a potential threat.  Amazing.  If the person’s brain has been conditioned to feel strong feelings of intimacy, friendship, or sentiment results in the next emotion being negative (hurt, pain, sadness), the person’s defenses will automatically be deployed upon reaching the first emotion.

That means, even though someone may feel happiness, it does not mean they feel “safe” and “comfortable” with those emotions.  Automatic nuclear destruction of good relationships is the outcome.

Luckily, if person realizes that they are defensive in nature, and know what feelings trigger auto-firing of missiles, they can work (very hard & diligently) to recondition the brain to say “It’s ok to be happy.”..”It’s ok to enjoy this person’s company, they won’t hurt you.”.

I am pretty sure even people who are not “defensive” in nature, still deploy these auto-walls.  Probably just  not as frequent.  Either way, how many great relationships, both friendships, work related, and intimate have we destroyed by prematurely protecting ourselves?  My personal defenses consist of very sarcastic, non-caring, and dismissal attitudes toward others.  How horrible for the person on the other end!  I know what triggers my “self-defense” missiles, and I know how hard I can be.  The very sad reality, is that is not who I am at my inner core.  Instead of being light hearted, loving, caring, accepting, and soft…I portray myself as a hard, cold, and not-caring individual.  

I have probably done some deep damage to some relationships in my life.   They may or may not be repairable, but at least I can start to consciously tell my walls to go down..and not be so scared to be the happy person I am inside.  Maybe I can save future relationships, and hope to mend past ones…

For right now, I am going to stick my head in a bucket of Dog Shit, for how bad I feel for all the times I said hurtful things that I didn’t mean..

Bouncing Balls

Sometimes I get in these “mission” oriented moods. Not necessarily a crabby mood, but completely focused on task at hand and constant sarcasm rearing from my mouth. Days like this, I have forgotten how to laugh, how to love, and how to feel. I am a solid chunk of kryptonyte moving towards my goal.

In the midst of my glowing, seething powers, comes in someone who is like a gigantic bouncing ball. Instead of working along side of your steal walls, they go bouncing off the walls, knocking into you until the steal becomes marshmallow mush. At this point, I am no longer kryptonyte, but another bouncing ball. These people will totally ruin your perfectly comfortable BAD day! ugh!

For me, I have lived years with steal walls and no one ever knocking. Only a handful (toddler sized) have actually knocked and persuaded me to come out to play peek a boo. These people are rare, special, and important. I looked at my bouncing ball today, and wanted to say
“Do you want to go make popcorn and pancakes, jump on a couch and watch reruns of I Love Lucy. I’ll even share my snuggle blanket.”

I know we would end up laughing all the way until we piss our pants.

Follow The Flight Attendant’s Rules

Frequent flyer’s have heard Flight Attendants say the same rule over and over, “Put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help another.”.

Makes perfect sense. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll never be the steady rock for another. Now, some might take it to the extreme of “being selfish”, but that is not what taking care of yourself first is about. It’s about not neglecting your health, both mental and physical, emotional and intellectual. If you run dry by giving everyone else fuel to use, no one will ever be able to fuel you. They have learned to always rely on YOU for their fuel.

We all tend to forget this little rule in life once in awhile. So here’s my little case in point reminder:
This is the last time I will reschedule an emergency dental appointment for another person’s benefit from my extra time. I now have a mouth full of blood and loose tooth that probably won’t last until my new appointment next week.

In the long run, I will be useless to my employer, friends, and family if I end up 4 days in pain. If I would have taken care of myself first, the only I would have lost is one morning of sanity. Now I risk 4.

If It’s A Chore, Then Say Goodbye

Avril Lavigne (though young and unknowing) has a string of lyrics I believe are powerful and reap of truthfulness…

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see 
that this world is a beautiful 
accident turbulent suculent 
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it , Don’t wanna waste it away.

This one harmonic section screams what guides my heart-felt decisions in life.  To live my one life to it’s fullest – to my fullest.  

In life we wrap ourselves up into work, community, relationships, and pastimes that consume our time and efforts.  I learned the hard way the only things in my life that are deserving of my whole hearted efforts, are ones that I enjoy.  If a pastime has turned into a chore, forget.  Leave it.  Find something new.

If my relationships turn on me, so that showing affection and gratitude becomes a chore, then it’s time to part.  When running home to get to the phone just in time to receive his phone call, makes my 109 / 56 blood pressure rise….it’s not fun anymore.  What is not fun, is not rewarding.  What is not rewarding does not allow a person to feel good about themselves or their actions. Instead, it causes stress, pain, and agitation.  Time to say goodbye.

Life needs to be about letting your hair down, dressing up as a ranger, and running through the freshly piles leaves laughing with your offspring.  Fuck the mess.  Fuck the clean up.  When your joints go, arthritis sets in, I want to say I got to jump in the leaves when I could.

When my eye sight weakens, my hands start to shake, and my hearing is going..I want to know I painted a million pictures, hugged and held hands of those I love, and read hundreds of books over and over.

I don’t want to weaken and wish what I could have done.  Looked back and said I wasted years of my life jumping through hoops to make another’s life enjoyable, while secretly dying inside.  A person’s smile can only be so bright, and eyes only dance with joy when the joy felt is true. 

I have paid a professional to tell me what I know is true….Even without pay, she would still agree…lead with your heart, the decisions made are the right ones.  Fear not what your heart decides.

My heart decided no one is worth my blood pressure rising above 109 / 56.

Got A Lamp I Could Borrow?

Typically I am not one to mull over the past and think the “what if’s”.  Today I am taking the Genie card -

I would ask the Genie to grant me one wish -

To take me back 6 1/2 years ago.  This time I would have said no.

Some Things In Life Isn’t Worth It

We all have one life to make our own.  In business, I find there are two types of clients – those who are on a mission with you and those who want to absorb you into their mission.

The clients on a mission with you, doesn’t mean you both have the same mission.  Only that each of your missions independently crossover each other.  They build upon each others strengths.  You will sometimes need the client for a specialty, and other times it will be vice verse.  These clients actually care about you achieve your dreams.  They will also require the very best from you and refuse to allow mediocre.

The other clients are absorbed into their mission, and it alone. They don’t care what the person in the next building down does, or even if it relates to them at all.  They want to build a mini-island with just their chosen few members.  Once on the island, they don’t allow you to communicate with the rest of the world.  You are only suppose to be loyal to them and their mission.  

We all come across both types of clients.   I choose to not to be allowed to be asborbed into someone else’s world.  This is my life, and I will live my mission.

Whose A Noodle?

Noodles are fascinating. (really, I’ve only had one beer) When you get them out of the package, they are stiff and rigid. Noodles come in different sizes and colors, from organic, spaghetti, rigatoni, and thick manicotti noodles, one can find a noodle for just about every recipe.

Personally, I enjoy the thick manicotti noodles about to explode with mouth watering ricotta and olives. Hmmm.. Either way, most of us can find a preferred noodle.

Noodles start out stiff and rigid. Hard to the point if even light pressure is applied, they snap. Take a moment to soak the noodles in water, and you end up with a very different ingredient. Noodles transform themselves into soft, mailable, and loose entities. Instead of a continuous chew of a hard noodle, cooked noodles are slurped in the most unprofessional manner. The best slurps are ones with sauce and cheese flung everywhere.

I, like most people, are a noodle. Sometimes I am stiff and rigid, very uncooked. Usually this is found in the professional setting, when there isn’t much wiggle room – or sauce flinging. At times, I like be soaked in the world around me and become flexible. Fully cooked, I am mailable and squishy. I like to make funny shapes and silly noises when slurped. I am most entertaining when other’s slurp my cooked noodle side in odd ways and fling sauce all over.

People are like noodles. We have multiple “sides” of us. When focused and task oriented I am inflexible. I need to be treated with direct, respectful associations. At the same time, people like to relax and feel comfortable to let their soft personable side out.

I have found that most people either know you as an uncooked or cooked noodle. Rarely ever both. Often it is jarring to witness our friends or lovers as a cooked noodle. We know the soft, slurpy side. Likewise, how many times have you ran into a coworker outside of work, and been taken back by their cooked noodle side.

It amazes me with great envy when I see “power” couples who have been able to love and work with their partner no matter what noodle they are. What an amazing feeling it must be to feel the utmost respect from someone when the job needs to be done, but at the same time still be able to throw a jelly bean at their head without repercussions.

Watching the VP Debate last night, I wondered if Palin’s family saw both noodle sides. Is she a cold, departed mother and spouse who is overcooked all the time? Does she ever wiggle in the office with her staff, or at home with her children? What does her husband accept her as, cooked or uncooked? Maybe a bit of both.