The Truth Always Surfaces

As kids, my sibling and I where raised to “finish” our plates. My sibling hated brussel spouts with a passion. In trying to outsmart the Plate Police, my sibling would hide the green veggies behind the old, dusty iron fire distinguisher in the hall closet.

For the moment, my sibling would have victory. In the long run, the truth of her NOT finishing her plate always surfaced. Typically around late spring, when the house would warm, and well, those good for ya veggies started to really stink.

It’s a life lesson. No matter how much you really want to hide your inner dreams, fears, feelings, likes, and dislikes, the real you will eventually surface. Sometimes we try to pass off our anger or dislikes from a source that really isn’t the TRUE source.

I’ve had a bad couple weeks… Crammed with just a crap load to do, holidays coming (ooooh I love Christmas!), obligations to take care of, and the list goes on and on. I’ve needed a sanctuary where I could forget about all the crap sitting at home waiting to drown me alive, and I wanted it to be my work. My work was my sanctuary, and still is. I just tried to bag it in with all the other not so cool crap and toss it to the side as something that needed change.

My truth surfaced tonight. Weeding through various job boards, my heart saddened with a deep pain. I realized I will never find a job like this ever again….and how much I love my work, boss, and even those nagging clients.

I’m old enough to know that you can’t hold onto something forever, but young enough to strive to recreate it sometime in the future.

Porn Star Palin

Mass media via the Internet announced that Gov Palin was offered $2million to be in a porn video!  I got to say WTF?   It’s not like she’s a virgin.  

Just FYI…I blog in my stiletto heals not my pajamas!

Apple’s iPhone is Like..Marriage.

It’s pure lust at first site. The Apple iPhone 3G.

It sits high on a white pedestal, thousands of people desiring to touch it’s sleek body, all wanting to claim one for their own. They wait patiently for it’s evolution to full maturity released like a debunte’ arriving to take it’s place next to ….you.

You are the proud owner of an iPhone 3G. It’s a perfect fit. Nice smooth, round body slides perfectly into your palm. It’s face is clear of imperfections as you stare into it’s bright glow. Your tongue gravitates towards it, and finally lick it. The taste lingers in your mouth, and you go back for more. Pressing it’s buttons, adding applications, and taking pictures of the greatest moments together. With your iPhone, your social network expands. Your Tweets are limitless, Facebook poking on the go, and dancing together with Bob Dylan from iTunes. It’s the perfect marriage.

Wait. Marriage also comes with commitment, and this one is 2yrs. The honeymoon phase slowly dies down. The iPhone’s battery performance now denies you, only when you desire it the most. It’s sleek design is now smothered with finger prints and residue you can’t explain. You question where has my iPhone been?!!

Finally the day comes, you receive the first AT&T bill.

“Holy Fuck! WHY IS THIS COSTING ME SO MUCH $$$$$$?!!”

Congratulations on your new iPhone…it’s hot and sexy but also comes with a lifetime commitment that will run you dry!

A Rockin Tweet

The best thing about social networking like Twitter, is complete strangers (I actually thought this was a chic when I started to follow HIM..oops!) share some of the BEST stuff.  This is the most romantic song…

Waste by Phish

Thanks for the Tweet man!

Really??

I think I have finally defined the one of the most hurtful things in the world.  Ah, for everyone its something..might be stubbing your big toe, or watching a love one suffer.

For me, I get immensely hurt when I though something was “special”, “unique”, to me, isn’t really special at all.  I think everyone wants to be special, feel special, in some way, to someone.  I guess that explains the depth of hurt when you realize, you’re not that special.  

You’re just another girl, gen y or gen x, blogger, mom, girlfriend, hockey player, dancer, employee, etc…just passing through until something fresh and new comes along.

Dog Piss & Sniffing

My super dog, who loves me warts and all, is just like a little kid.  He gets all excited when people come over, a ball is thrown, or somebody rubs his belly.  In alot of ways, I am just like him.

Both of us have the “kid” like “ooh ooh!  I am sooo excited” instinct in us.  Only difference is, I can hold my pee.  I get so excited about new things and the possibilities, that I get really impatient.  My dog on the other-hand, has been trained to wait patiently for his donuts.  I force life to get to the good stuff quicker.

I find that I am more “me” when I just sit back and relax with life.  Instead of forcing life to give me all the answers, indicators of bumps, or a quick toss of donuts, just saying hell with it all makes me smile.  

I don’t smile or am productive when I act like my dog in a new place.  He walks slowly, sniffs, and acts too cautiously…often missing the really great things near by.  He gets so focused on watching out for danger, he forgets to enjoy pissing on that BIG tree.  

Lately I have been so focused on sniffing for danger, I have forgotten to run and jump like a little kid.  At heart, when I feel safe enough to be me…I run, jump, laugh, and shake wiggle eyeball pens all day.  I like wiggle eyeball pens and the joy they bring me.  So, as we close on almost a new year, and definately a new Presidency…I think I plan to make it my goal to go back to feeling safe. (Fuck sniffing, I never find any real danger.) I might even try to piss on a tree like my dog…looks liberating.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I have been reading alot into psychology and theories of the nervous system and it’s reactions to stress.   (don’t ask why..)   I find any type of applicable psychology quite intriguing and remarkable.  If you know what you are looking for, you can use it in everyday life.

My most recent chapter, discussed how a “defensive” type person has automatic triggers, which without warning, go up when the brain (conditioned long ago) foresees a potential threat.  Amazing.  If the person’s brain has been conditioned to feel strong feelings of intimacy, friendship, or sentiment results in the next emotion being negative (hurt, pain, sadness), the person’s defenses will automatically be deployed upon reaching the first emotion.

That means, even though someone may feel happiness, it does not mean they feel “safe” and “comfortable” with those emotions.  Automatic nuclear destruction of good relationships is the outcome.

Luckily, if person realizes that they are defensive in nature, and know what feelings trigger auto-firing of missiles, they can work (very hard & diligently) to recondition the brain to say “It’s ok to be happy.”..”It’s ok to enjoy this person’s company, they won’t hurt you.”.

I am pretty sure even people who are not “defensive” in nature, still deploy these auto-walls.  Probably just  not as frequent.  Either way, how many great relationships, both friendships, work related, and intimate have we destroyed by prematurely protecting ourselves?  My personal defenses consist of very sarcastic, non-caring, and dismissal attitudes toward others.  How horrible for the person on the other end!  I know what triggers my “self-defense” missiles, and I know how hard I can be.  The very sad reality, is that is not who I am at my inner core.  Instead of being light hearted, loving, caring, accepting, and soft…I portray myself as a hard, cold, and not-caring individual.  

I have probably done some deep damage to some relationships in my life.   They may or may not be repairable, but at least I can start to consciously tell my walls to go down..and not be so scared to be the happy person I am inside.  Maybe I can save future relationships, and hope to mend past ones…

For right now, I am going to stick my head in a bucket of Dog Shit, for how bad I feel for all the times I said hurtful things that I didn’t mean..

Tired of Being Oscar

Life has it’s ups and downs, otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to live for.  Through the low periods, you look for highs, or just getting over that mountain top.  When you are at the top, you typically don’t see the valley until you fall off a fucking cliff.

Sometimes knowing life is just in a low, doesn’t make things better.  It’s as if you are forced to play Oscar the Grouch way tooo long.   You might contemplate a new trash can with a different view, or taking a shower for a change of pace.  At somepoint, Oscar has got to get tired of being grouchy all the time.

I cannot imaging Oscar never laughing or smiling.  Taking the time out in the middle of the day to do something silly and irrsponsible, simply because it feels good to LIVE.  

I sometimes wonder if Oscar used to be happy.  Does he miss laughing?  Did he forget how to smile?  Is the saddness of remembering he used to be happy so debilitating, that he can’t even fake a smile anymore?  Is Oscare living in a downward spiral of saddness, just putting on a mask to hide his inner tears?  If so, Oscar probably really truly wants to smile again. He probably really wants to get back to times when he smiled and laughed.  Times only caught in old photos now, never in person.  Always being tired, frustrated, and angry, has got to sadden Oscar to the tiniest ounce of his bone.  He probably hides deep inside his trash can to shed tears in secrecy.  

It’s easier to just pretend and accept being seen as monster, and a crabby/ bitchy one at that.  I bet deep inside, Oscar wants to smile.

Friday FU!

Rise and shine! Here’s the official Friday Fuck you!

Since I missed a few Fridays, I am going play catch up by making this one a groupie!
So let’s start…

First FU goes to all the non-Web 2.0, non-web enthusiasts, users, and nonusers who are TOO ARROGANT to admit lack of knowledge! I am talking about those people who call you up and say “Um ya, can we change this picture, make this link to two differant website, upload a 3meg. file, reorder the list on the front page, ad this graphic (which is in WORD format), and can you have that done ASAP?”

WTF!!!! Ok..first off, if you know NOTHING about web design, database management, website management – EAT SOME HUMBLE PIE! The above request wouldn’t be sooo bad if you added some humility and acknowledgement that you don’t know shit, to it…
Proper prasing would be..”Do you think it would be possible…..” “How difficult…” “If we wanted to…..would it distort the configuration…” “What do you think about…”.

Simple enough. Show some respect, really. It’s not THAT easy…

Second FU goes to stress. I am tired, litterly, of stressing out about things like the *above* request. So today, I have decided I will official say FU to actually giving a shit about anything that does not directly affect MY well being. So…I will instead try my damnedest to focus on how beautiful the trees look in the fall, enjoy the humm of my iMac to a silent office, ignore the phone in the office, and stop stressing. I really do want to smile more…kinda hard to when everyone puts their shit on you.

Enjoy your Friday…now, go give a big FU to somebody…

Where Being The Worst & Best Employee Fit

I am a great employee, but I am also the worst.

Huh?

Every job I have held, I strive to consistently learn and grow beyond my current skill boundaries. The most attractive positions, are the most foreign in knowledge and painstaking. I also take great pride and ownership in what I do. That makes me a great employee, but also, one of the worst.

Simply because you, the employee, desire to be apart of something grand; either an idea or achievement, does not give you the right to care whole hearted. Whether it be having a hand in a development of a brand, streamlining production processes, leading an organization to Lean manufacturing, or increasing revenue, employees should only care knee deep.

Think about it...
“Why should an employee give their heart and mind, 110% efforts to an organization who only pays them a set salary?”

I have learned the hard way, that employees are only allowed to care 25%, and 75% is doing things they probably believe are absurd and a waste of resources.

hmm?

Here’s why…Employees have really no absolute power or authority over the business strategy, goals, financial allocations, or client services. The CEO / Pres. will always get the final say. Even though, you may have outside views, fresh ideas, see an opportunity and beg to run with it…the CEO will be your wall. IF you have tenacity, you will pick your flat pancake ass off the ground and try again…this time in a different avenue of descent.
Bam! You hit the CEO wall again.
Bam! Pancake.
Bam! Fried egg.
Bam! Crushed bug guts.

That last hit will be so hard, this is where you will run dry, be pissed off, tired, and frustrated. This is when you make a choice.

One side says “This company has so much potential. If I just wait it out..try again..ugh..try again..“

Other side says “This doesn’t pay your mortgage. You have no real assets here. You will never be allowed to care as if you are a stock holder…move on.”

You will either choose to quit and find a new job in ANOTHER small corporation, either first or second year family ran, and run into the same thing. Or, you will choose to stop being an employee and become an employer.

Tired of hitting the CEO wall, and impossible to change my inner drive to rock the world with change, it’s overdue time for me to move on. Choice B this time. As a Gen X, I have worked as an employee for 7 employers and one short stint in direct sales. Unlike the future “world changers” of Gen Y with barely if any, real world experience…I got it. My experiences have allowed me to craft the way I will run my corporation, treat my employees, and move my business.

At the core, this is how I will operate :
1. Never ever have a “CEO” office. I will sit among the production crew..
2. Allow others to lead and make mistakes…they will become better employees off the leash. I will be there to guide, push, and put my hand in the dirty work. No work is too dirty…it’s my fucking company, MY responsibility.
3. If I’m leaving work early, then so is everyone else. Lead by example. Always
4. Laugh at work. Alot.
5. I will never be the CEO…I will always be a team player. Team members who can’t handle it, then get the fuck out, and go work for Boeing.
6. Hire people who want to make a difference..and GIVE them ownership. People are faithful when they have personal stake involved, not when the goal is to survive through a to-do list everyday.
7. 6 months & yearly performance feedback’s…Employee’s won’t excel if they don’t know where to start, they won’t grow professionally if you don’t give insight…

My inner core tells me these things will make a difference. Hell, success is not found unless you try.